Obedient Angel
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Join date : 2011-04-30
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 | Subject: Regarding Refusing Intimacy with the Husband  Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:29 am | |
| Question:
I have some questions about rights to sexual intimacy (all related questions):
1) If a wife has to always fulfill her husband's sexual desires even when she doesn't want to, does this mean that he has to fulfill her desires when he doesn't want to, as well? Can a wife "demand" sex as husbands can?
2) Is it sinful for a husband to refuse his wife? If refusing a husband can lead him to other sin, doesn't refusing a wife lead HER to sin, as well?
3) What constitutes a "valid" reason for refusing intimacy? For example, even though husbands can enjoy their wives while they're menstruating by putting a garment over their privates, does she have to engage in intimacy if she is having slight cramps, not even a "valid" sickness?
4) Shouldn't the husband just respect that his wife is simply "not in the mood"? Wouldn't he enjoy it more if she IS in the mood, or is he like an animal that needs his desires fulfilled ASAP?
Please help me as I have trouble coming to terms with this seemingly "unfair" concept, even when the couple is mutually respectful and communicative. If a sister could answer, that would be appreciated. May Allah reward you best.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah.
Praise be to Allah.
May Allah's peace and blessings shower upon our beloved Messenger.
Dear Sister,
I pray this message finds you in good health and spirits.
You have raised some very important points:
1) If a wife has to always fulfill her husband's sexual desires even when she doesn't want to, does this mean that he has to fulfill her desires when he doesn't want to, as well? Can a wife "demand" sex as husbands can?
Answer:
The husband is obligated to keep his wife chaste. While scholars have distinguished between a man's right to "demand" sex and a woman's right to "request" sex, it is nonetheless a man's religous duty to keep his wife sexually satisfied. A woman may not have an explicit legal right to demand sex in the same fashion as a man; however, this distinction merely accounts for the inherent temperamental, physical, and emotional differences between the sexes. Ustadha Hedaya Hartford, in her excellent guide to Islamic marriage, states that both Hanafi and Shafi'i scholars hold that a man should make love to his wife at least every four nights. [Hedaya Hartford, Islamic Marriage: Starting Off On the Right Foot. Beirut and Damascus: Dar al-Fikr, 2000]
2) Is it sinful for a husband to refuse his wife? If refusing a husband can lead him to other sin, doesn''t refusing a wife lead HER to sin, as well?
Answer:
Yes, it is sinful for a man to consistently refuse his wife. Note the word "consistently." It is a given that sometimes one spouse or the other won't be in the mood. However, as Ustadha Hedaya says, sex should never be used as a weapon. There is great blessing in satisfying your spouse, even if you don't feel like it. A woman who is not sexually satisfied in her marriage may be led to sin. This is a possibility for both spouses if they are not receiving their rights. Scholars emphasize that a man must keep his wife chaste. How can he do this if he refuses her?
3) What constitutes a "valid" reason for refusing intimacy? For example, even though husbands can enjoy their wives while they''re menstruating by putting a garment over their privates, does she have to engage in intimacy if she is having slight cramps, not even a "valid" sickness?
Answer:
Valid reasons include menstruation, postpartum bleeding, illness, exhaustion, and physical inability. Note that a woman cannot have sex while menstruating or experiencing postnatal bleeding. However, if she simply doesn't feel up to it, then the best thing to do is to explain to her husband how she feels. Perhaps there are other ways she can explore to satisfy him. Furthermore, she should let him know that when she feels better, she looks forward to having intercourse. This will create a sense of anticipation and let him know that she loves him.
4) Shouldn't the husband just respect that his wife is simply "not in the mood?"Wouldn't he enjoy it more if she IS in the mood, or is he like an animal that needs his desires fulfilled ASAP?
Answer:
Yes, both spouses need to understand that sometimes one or the other won't be in the mood. However, as I stated before, this should not become a habit. It is very easy to keep putting off your husband, but think of the long term. It may be good to sit down and count how often you put him off. It may be more than you think. Also worth exploring: why aren't you in the mood? Is there s0mething he could do differently? How often do you two just sit and enjoy each other's company? Talking, laughing, cuddling, and kissing are things couples should do on a regular basis, not just when they have sex. These little ways of showing love really do foster a strong relationship and prepare the couple for further intimacy.
Another suggestion is to look at your husband's timing. Do you have children? Do you work or go to school? Perhaps your husband is approaching you after you've had a long day. There are things you can do to alleviate this and create a positive, loving environment where BOTH of you crave intimacy.
Please read these articles on SunniPath. They are of benefit.
*** Turning Sex Into Sadaqa ***www.sunnipath.com/resources/Questions/qa00000608.aspx
*** Bedroom: If wife is tired. ***
www.sunnipath.com/resources/Questions/qa00002906.aspx
May Allah bless you and your husband to find a solution that is mutually beneficial.
And Allah alone gives success.
http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=12&ID=5932&CATE=10
***
Can a wife refuse the husband's call to bed? If not, isn't it like rape?
What are the rights of woman after marriage? If the husband calls the wife to bed, can she say no? does the husband need the wife's consent to have Intercourse? If there is no consent, and the wife doesn't want to, and he forces himself over her, isn't that rape?"
Answer:
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
�When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him, thus he spends the night in anger, then the angels curse her until morning.� (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim, See: Riyad al-Salihin, No. 281)
Talq ibn Ali (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
�When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy, then she should come, even if she is (busy) in the cooking area.� (Sunan al-Tirmizi & Sunan al-Nasa�i)
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:
�By the one in whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him except that Allah becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her.� (Sahih Muslim, No. 1436)
The above and other narrations of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) clearly signify the importance of the wife obeying her husband in his request for sexual intimacy. It will be a grave sin, in normal circumstances, for the wife to refuse her husband, and even more, if this leads the husband into the unlawful.
Imam al-Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) states in his commentary on the Hadith of Abu Huraira stated above:
�This Hadith indicates that it is unlawful (haram) for the wife to refuse her husband for sexual intimacy without a valid reason. Menstruation will not be considered a valid reason, for the husband has a right to enjoy her from above the garment (on top of cloths).� (Sharh Sahih Muslim, P. 1084)
However, this does not in any way mean that the husband may force himself over her for sexual gratification. The Hadith mentions that,
�the husband spends the night in anger or being displeased,�
which clearly shows that he must restrain himself from forcing himself over her. Had this not been the case, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would have advised the husband to gain his right in a forceful manner.
Similarly, it should be remembered here that, the wife must obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy unless she has a valid reason. She must obey him as long as she does not have to forego her own rights. As such, if the wife is ill, fears physical harm or she is emotionally drained, etc; she will not be obliged to comply with her husband�s request for sexual intimacy. Rather, the husband would be required to show her consideration.
Allah Most High says:
�On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear� (al-Baqarah, 286)
Many times it is observed that the husband demands from his wife to fulfil his sexual needs no matter what state she is in, and uses the above quoted Hadiths to impose himself over her.
If the wife is not in a state to engage in sexual activities and has a genuine and valid reason, and the husband forces her, then he will be sinful. Muslim husbands should realize that their wives are also humans and not some type of machines that can be switched on whenever they desire!
Finally, these matters should be resolved with mutual understanding, regard for one another, love, gentleness and putting one�s spouse before one�s self.
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) has reported to have said:
�None of you can be a true believer until they love for their brother what they love for themselves.�
The importance of this is even greater in a marital relationship.
And Allah knows best
Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK
www.daruliftaa.org
http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=11&ID=2360&CATE=117
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